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Everything to prove
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taintedsprings [Thursday, July 6th, 2006 @ 10:58pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

So I am still hiding from Charles. No I don't regret what we did, I just worry things will be different now. I mean thats obvious, yes it will be different, why wouldn't it? Question is will it be so different that he will be weird around me, or is it me who is the one being weird. He isn't the one avoiding me, I am avoiding him worried about what would happen. Maybe I should just go find him and ask him what he thinks of all of this, but what if he has regrets? Ok Willow, get a grip and just go ask him.

As I head out to find him, to find the man that made me believe in men again I run into a strange man who was really happy and thanking me for something. I didn't have the first clue of who this was, and was ready to send him packin, and by packin I mean turn him into something squishy. "Who are you?" I finally ask and he just gives me a look as if I should know who the heck he was. "OK look, I don't have the first clue of who you are so can you just stop bouncing long enough to tell me?" Ok so I was kind of bitchy, so sue me.

Cast a Spell

[Thursday, April 6th, 2006 @ 10:59am]
[ mood | anxious ]

What would happen if Willow were sent to Wesley to help her instead of England... Part fourCollapse )

1 Spell | Cast a Spell

[Thursday, April 6th, 2006 @ 10:50am]
[ mood | anxious ]

What would happen if Willow were sent to Wesley to help her instead of England... Part ThreeCollapse )

Cast a Spell

[Thursday, April 6th, 2006 @ 10:48am]
[ mood | anxious ]

What would happen if Willow were sent to Wesley to help her instead of England... Part TwoCollapse )

Cast a Spell

[Thursday, April 6th, 2006 @ 10:43am]
[ mood | anxious ]

What would happen if Willow were sent to Wesley to help her instead of England... Part oneCollapse )

Cast a Spell

carpe_tenebras Payback's Bitch! [Wednesday, September 14th, 2005 @ 3:45am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I knew Angel was less than thrilled with me, but I was going to do this and make him see that this was what I had to do to get what we needed. What mattered now was that I was now in Cordelia's mind, I could see the barrier, and even the fire red glow that is holding her within the visions. I knew that if I didn't stop this soon she will never survive. If I used the proper spell, which I know I did, I should be able to break through.

My body begins to glow, not a pretty white light, but one as red as the barrier my head thrown back I suddenly see the spell trail and its leading me to who did this to her. As I continue to fight through the barrier I hear Cordelia screaming, screaming as if she is fighting her way out of this. With one last long loud scream from both of us the barrier is broken.

My eyes shoot wide open, now black laced with red undertones I looked to Angel and Kathy, I knew who did this and they now must pay. "The one who did this, she must now pay." I said as I rose from my seat and looked back to Cordelia. "You will be fine now." Without another word I disappeared.

I knew who did this, I knew that a lawyer from Wolfram and Hart was to blame and I was going to make her pay. I am not sure why I even cared, it was Cordelia after all, but it was important to the others and I wanted vengence for them. The only problem with this plan is I no longer was in control.

Willow was now gone, filled with the darkness of the magicks. There may be no hope of ever returning to the person that once was, but did I really want to be that anymore? I had power, I had strength, I was no longer the weak woman that everyone felt sorry for, I was now the strong one they all feared. I was not letting go of this any time soon, not letting go of the power. I was now Paybacks Bitch.

[[More Here]]

Cast a Spell

carpe_tenebras The time has come. [Thursday, September 8th, 2005 @ 12:39pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I sit in my original room thinking, focusing, trying not to panic. I wish I knew the outcome already, I wish I knew what was to come, but I didn't. What terrifies me is that I could go completely over the edge and hurting someone.

I had to figure this out though. I couldn't sit here and worry about me whan Cordy is the one on the line. I had to find a way past the barrier that was holding Cordy into these visions. I started pouring myself into the books, into all the spells I knew, trying to find something anything to help, but it wasn't there.

Frustrated and feeling like a failure I threw the book across the room. I wasn't going to be able to help her this way. I needed power, power that I didn't have. I had an idea, one that I am sure Angel wouldn't agree with, but I had to do what I had to do.

I snuck out of the hotel, knowing full well Angel would stop me if he knew and headed to one place I thought might be able to help me. If there was another option I would have used it but the more I look for the options when I know of one in Sunnydale would just be wasting that much more time. I got in my car, drove to Sunnydale, knowing that I had to make this happen and quick.

Anyone with power could find Rack's place easily and tonight that truth was no different. His place was close to the old meat packing warehouse downtown, almost too easy to find today. I walked through the barrier and waited, only moments before he came out and glanced upon me. People around me rushed up saying it was their turn like they needed a fix for their favorite drug, I had true reasons for what I wanted, aside from vengence on those who have hurt Cordelia.

Rack said it was my turn led me back into his 'office' and looked into my eyes, my dark angry eyes and asked what I wanted. I remembered when Amy brought me here, when she told me the power this man wielded was more than I could ever imagine, well I will be the one taking a tour today. I without a thought or a care, feeling and wanting the power grab his chest and begin to pull the power from him, filling myself with strength and pure magicks, I was ready now.

Letting Rack's now limp body fall to the ground I turn my eyes black as coal and my veins showing, I was ready. I made my way back to LA, back to the problem and the ones who needed to pay. When I arrived at the hotel it was eerily calm, as was I. I walk into Cordy's room as they all turn and look at me. "I am ready." Without another word I sat down next to Cordelia and took her hand. Shouldn't take long now.

[[Everyone....be careful for the wrath of one pissed off Willow]]

Cast a Spell

carpe_tenebras [Friday, August 5th, 2005 @ 3:16pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I had everything in hand, Connor on my arm in his carrier and Angel had his bag and our towels. I have to admit, I was kind of nervous about actually spending the day with the man I love and the kid I adored in the sun, letting the waves rush over us. I don't know why this made me so nervous, maybe because I just waited for something to go wrong. I don't dare tell Angel how I feel, he would start worrying again.

We made it to the pier area for shopping first. I needed clothes and he insisted on buying them so I gave, not like I could tell him no. I didn't really want to tell him no though, I wanted to spend the day with him, spend the day the happiest I had been in a long time. I don't remember a time when spending the day with a man I loved was this perfect...so when is the trouble going to happen? When is someone going to call from LA and say that someone is dying and we need to get back?

Since there are no cell phones with us...maybe we should go back to the hotel room just incase? No I can't do that, I can't sit and wait for trouble to come, we need to enjoy every minute of this vacation. I did however make sure that when we were finished shopping and spending entirly too much on clothes and accessories and whatever else Angel insisted I needed, we headed back to the hotel to put everything in the room.

I didn't let Angel know that I was worried, but I did check the phone for messages and thank goddess there weren't any. Now it was time to go out to the beach with the man I love who mind you has to have a spell performed on him to be able to go in the sun, but yeah, its worth it.

"Ok, we have spent money as you have demanded...can we now go relax on the beach?"

I said as I headed for the door Connor's carrier back on my arm. I was ready for some fun.

6 Spells | Cast a Spell

nowishredoux Fearing the inevitable. [Sunday, May 8th, 2005 @ 8:25am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

When I arrived I never thought that I would feel as good as I do now. I was weak, and tired and stressed, not to mention starving. I didn't eat anything last night, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to want to eat anything, which I could tell pained him, but I couldn't help it. I didn't expect though that I would feel so comfortable in his arms, the arms of a man....they warmed me, something that I didn't think possible of this weak shell of a former nerd, someone who said she could never feel for a man again.

For the first time since...since Tara died I was actually able to relax in someones arms and not worry about what they will think about me. Not worrying about what they will think about the girl who let the darkness take over and allowed me to kill people. Mind you Rack and Warren weren't the best kind of people, but I am not a god, I don't decide who lives or dies when they are human. I just wish that I could take all of that back, make me something other than a murderer...though if I could, I wouldn't be here in the arms of a man that actually cares. I guess with the bad comes the good...really good.

I don't know how long I actually slept after Wesley made love to me..but when I woke up he was holding me as if his life depended on it, as if he were to let go I would slip away never to be seen again. It is funny, but I don't think I could live away from him now. When I first arrived, I was considering running away, considering finding a seedy motel and just starting over there, somewhere where no one could judge me for my past. I considered letting the fear control me, hell it has for so many years. Why should I let it go now? Why should I let go of the one constant in my life?

You would think that I would learn how to be alone, and push away the love of anyone by now...with Oz leaving, Tara dying, Buffy, Xander, Dawn and whoever else turning their backs on me, but no. I look at the one good feeling I have had in months and I cling to it, knowing the risk involved and not caring. I know that once Wesley wakes up and realizes who he just made love to he will run away like everyone else..he has to. I mean how could anyone love me? Me a hopeless nerd full of dark powers she still is scared to use...how could anyone love that?

I fear his leaving, though it is inevitable, but I can't ignore the way I feel right now. I have never felt more at home and safe in my life. I guess I will just hold on to it as long as I can and pray that when the day comes he realizes he doesn't want me that he atleast gives me warning of his leave, not like I can ask for anything more.

Cast a Spell

friskymagick Maybe he thinks I am too far gone. [Saturday, April 23rd, 2005 @ 3:57am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I had been hiding from my lessons, hiding from the fear that I might hurt someone again. I hadn't spoken to Giles about the dreams, the nightmares I had, didn't want him to worry, and didn’t want him to think that I was just some whiney teenager.

The nights that I just laid in his arms, letting all the emotions out as I remembered the lives I took, whether they deserved it or not, I longed for more of those. I longed to lie in his arms and feel, feel love again. He seemed to become distant lately, to pull away from the time that we spent together, I couldn't tell why; I couldn't understand what had caused this sudden change.

I could only guess that he had realized that someone like me can't be saved. Those times he told me that I wasn't a horrible person that I could learn to control the darkness within; he realized that I was too far gone for such a measure as that. I tried to ignore what I was feeling, tried to make myself believe he was just a busy person now that he is in England again, but somewhere deep inside I knew it was more than just him being busy.

I know that I had to talk to him about this, had to ask him why he had distanced himself? Why it felt like he didn't want me around, but how does one really do that? How do you go to the man that you are falling for, after you said to yourself years before that you would never trust or love a man again, and ask him why he has stopped spending time with you? Of course the next step is how do I tell him I have more than just mentor/student feelings for him?

For now I hide, hide from the reality that maybe he doesn't trust me anymore. That he has realized that I was too far gone.

Cast a Spell

nowishredoux Get some rest? [Monday, April 18th, 2005 @ 3:08am]
[ mood | blank ]

I didn't want rest, I didn't want to be here alone. I wanted people to quit leaving me behind. Ok so granted, I have some abandonment issues right now, but who could blame me?

I carefully climbed out of the bed and as best I could put the tray on the nearest table, then I went into the bathroom washing my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. Since Angel stormed off and Cordy followed, and Wes went to sulk and most likely check on Connor or do research or hell even drink tea, I decided I would also go.

I was going to wander the hotel, I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I should get used to my new...well I guess it is my new home, if you can even call it that. This whole fight is something I didn't understand anyway. Wesley is a good man and I know he cares, but he hasn't seen Angelus, we have, so does he really think that if Angel and Cordy thought there was an issue they would pursue this? I guess he just wants to make sure everyone is safe. Oh well it doesn't matter now what I think, he has said his piece and Angel is angry and Cordy is angry, I just wish everyone could get along. For now I will wander the hotel, get a feel of where I am staying and see what there is left for me.

This place wasn't half bad and after wandering the halls for a while I decided to go upstairs and see what was up there. The fourth floor was rather empty a few things littered the hallway, things that hadn't yet been discarded, but nothing major. I noticed some broken down doors and even one that had been chopped open, didn't understand that, but wouldn't ask.

I finally found a semi clean room and walked in finding a corner near a window. It probably wasn't the safest of rooms for me to choose, but hell I felt safe here so I guess thats all that matters. I did my best with my weakened state to pull a couch to the window area and laid down looking out, over the city that I now lived in. Guess I should get used to this.

Cast a Spell

nowishredoux A Change [Saturday, April 16th, 2005 @ 2:08am]
[ mood | blank ]

I continued to lay still, laying there trying to show there was a change. It was now important that I show a change, if I changed, if I became whatever they wanted, they would take me back. All I had to do was change.

I didn't want food, I didn't want water, I just wanted to lay still and show them a difference in me. It isn't like I could eat anyway, I mean I hadn't for two days, why should I start now? I remember, the stewardess on the plane also begging me to eat something or drink something.

She tried to convince me that they would take me back, that they would see a change, hell it even gave me hope enough to sleep. Thing is that it was all a lie, they didn't take me back, they didn't see the change, so this brings me back to where I started, I need to show them a change.

What kind of change is it that they want? what is it they need to see that will prove that I am a different person now? Giles says I can't just give up the magicks, so what do I do to prove to them? I could do a spell, but then that wouldn't show a change, that would be falling back on old habits. I could plead, but do they really want to see that? Most likely they don't want to see me begging on the door step....

I have come to the conclusion that the only way to show them a change is to lay here still, not moving a muscle, gotta show the change. I still have to wonder though, is this going to be enough? will any of this make a difference? I don't know, but I have to try, I have to get them back, I have to change.

Cast a Spell

nowishredoux So much to prove. [Tuesday, April 12th, 2005 @ 4:07am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I sit here waiting, waiting for the cab to arrive. You would think that I was used to waiting by now. I have been waiting for months to see if I was ready to go home, waiting to find out if Buffy, Xander and Dawn will take me back in as a friend. Every scenario played out in my head, the one where they welcomed me back, where they understood the pain of losing Tara took me over, and then there was the one where they disowned me and told me they wanted nothing to do with me. Question is, what one will happen when I get off that plane in Sunnydale?

Giles told me that no matter what they would need me, they would need what was within me to fight whatever was coming, so maybe I will be accepted back by default. I guess only time will tell. I managed to board the plane, finding my seat and got comfortable without even focusing on any of it. All that I could think of was what was going to happen when I knocked on Buffy's door.

Taking random naps in between the thoughts and fears of being rejected, you would think it would be easy to fall asleep on a 10 hour flight, it would be easy to just close my eyes and let the exhaustion take me over, but it wasn't that easy. I couldn't make the thoughts stop from within my head. They continued, no matter how hard I tried to hide them, how hard I tried to close my eyes and kid myself that it would all be ok. I wanted to believe that 7 years of friendship with Buffy and at least 15 years with Xander would, but I was lying if I believed it would be as easy as that.

The stewardess came to me several times, concerned that I hadn't eaten a thing, nor had I had anything to drink. She was concerned that something was wrong so I started to talk to her, mind you vaguing up the basic details, you know the ones that say hey I killed a man...or actually two, but I told her how I made some bad decisions and how I feared everyone I loved turning their backs on me and she said something similar to what Giles said. Basically that eventually they would take me back in, that they would see that there was a change in me and accept me back into their group. Ok so maybe I am not being delusional, maybe there is a chance. I focused on that, I let that be my hope and I finally dozed off, the first time I have slept well in the last forty eight hours.

It was funny that the next thing I heard was the stewardess announcing that Sunnydale Airport was within minutes and what the local weather conditions were in the area. I carefully sat up buckling my seatbelt back and prepared for the truth to come out. As the plane finally landed and taxied into the gate I found myself praying that they would be there, that someone would be there to greet me and tell me that everything was going to be ok.

When we were given the all clear to leave the plane, I stood up gathered my things and headed out of the plane and up the long walk to the terminal. To my shock and surprise Xander was waiting for me. Maybe there was hope after all, maybe they had some big hoo ha waiting for me at home. Thing is though, Xander didn't look so happy. He had this look on his face that told me that things weren't the way that I thought.

Very little was said when he hugged me, he simply reminded me that he loved me. What came next broke my heart though. He told me that though they could use my help Buffy and Dawn just didn't trust me and my judgment and that I was not welcome back in the house. We had been through so much and this what I get...yes I made mistakes, yes I chose to let vengeance take me over, but I would think that the work I did in England the confirmations that Giles believed in me would help. I guess all the hope in the world doesn't make up for the truth within.

Xander led me out to the car, my car where all my things were packed, and though he was sent to do this, I could tell this wasn't what he wanted. I even saw a tear fall. I felt horrible that he was in the middle of this, I wanted to turn back time and make what happened go away so he wouldn't have to, but I couldn't, I couldn't take back what I had done, who I had killed, who all I had hurt in the process of my rage, I couldn't take any of that back.

I gave Xander one last hug and told him that I understood, even though secretly I didn’t, and I got in my car. I didn’t have much in the way of money and I didn’t know where I would go, but I knew that I could figure it out. It was when I started the car and looked over to the passenger seat that I noticed a large envelope with my name on the front. Something told me that I should have waited to read it, but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to withhold any more pain that was meant to be laid upon me, why wait for that?

I carefully lifted the white flap on the back of the envelope to reveal a check from my parents and a letter from them as well as money from…well I don’t know from who and a letter from Buffy. Again part of me told me not to read these, but again I didn’t listen. I began with the letter from my parents, them disowning me, that wouldn’t be as bad as Buffy.

I know that your father and I don’t understand what is going on with you and I do remember once telling you that interest in the mystical and the world of magic was something typical for someone of your age, but I am not sure what you have gotten yourself into is what I was referring to.

Your father and I have cared for you and given you all that we know how to, and taught you the things we prayed you would carry with you into your adult life and apparently we have failed you somewhere. Having said all of that, I have enclosed a fairly substantial check, something that should allow you to get on your feet wherever you decide to go, and all that I ask in return is that you don’t attempt to contact us again. I do love you Willow, and in order to love you, I know I have to let you go.


You would think with all the time I hadn’t spent with them that wouldn’t have hurt, but it did, I didn’t know when I had actually started, but I had begun to cry. Would I make it through the next letter? I don’t know, but I had to try, I had to know what I was looking forward to with Buffy and Xander. So here goes nothing. I carefully pull out the letter from Buffy and begin to read that one.

Hey Will;

You know by now that we have asked that you don’t come back to the house. It was really a hard decision and one that not even Giles is aware of at the moment. It isn’t because we don’t care, because you know we do, but it is that we don’t know if you have fully learned to control the darkness within you and being as I am the one who has to watch out for Dawn now that mom is gone, I have to look out for what is best for her. You being here, in the house still using magicks isn’t safe for her.

Giles has tried to assure us that you aren’t a danger to us, but after what happened, how you tried to kill us all even after you assured us that you weren’t using magicks again, I can’t trust that assurance anymore. I am sorry, I know that your family has also asked the same that we have, and most of all I want to believe you have changed, but I can’t. Please know that you can call anytime, but we have to actually witness what changes you have made before I can feel safe with you around Dawn. I do love you and so does Dawn.


Ok so I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn’t ready to have everyone I loved not believe that I had changed, but I really didn’t have a choice now. I now had to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life with no one left that trusts me. I decide to take a shot at the last person I think would truly understand the mistakes I have made.

I put the car in drive and I make my way towards Los Angeles. Angel would understand what I have done; he will know what it feels like to have to redeem yourself, why shouldn’t he take me in. This was my last hope after all.

The highway seemed so empty as I drove and heard the words in those two letters playing over and over in my head, the compassion in the words that crushed me, only one other person has been able to say that they don’t trust me with such kindness and that was Oz.

I hadn’t thought about him in a long while, but what they said reminded me of what he said all those years ago. The other thing that made me think of him was that I now understood having to leave all you know to get control over a part of you without knowing if the people you love will still let you back in their lives when you come back. In my case they didn’t.

I guess a long two hour drive gives you perspective, it gives you time to ponder what you would do with a life when no one wants you, ok almost no one. As I pulled up to the hotel, my last hope for whatever refuge I might find with people I trust I had to sit there for a moment. Sit there and contemplate what it is I am about to do.

Finally gathering the nerve I climb out of the car pull my bag strap over my shoulder and head inside. I guess there is no turning back now. No chance of changing this decision that could also end in more rejection. Hey years of practice, I guess one more person telling me to go away wouldn’t hurt.

A deep breath taken I take the handle of the door atop the stairs in the garden and I slowly open it seeing only Wesley sitting in the lobby. Not sure he of all people would understand, but he knows where Angel is, so I guess I will start with what I have.

“H—Hi, is Angel here?”

I say softly as I step down the small stairs and walk over to the desk where Wesley is sitting.
Cast a Spell

His [Friday, April 8th, 2005 @ 2:10am]
[ mood | creative ]

Title: His

Series: 1/?

Author: yammerer_willow

Pairing: Angelus/Willow

Rating: 18+ please

Setting: somewhere in Sunnydale season 2ish

Summary: Angelus kidnaps Willow and takes her as his.

Disclaimer: semi-consensual sex

Note: Thanks for all the help Stephy.

Feedback: Yes please… yammerer_willow@ljbuffyrpgs.com

18+ pleaseCollapse )

Cast a Spell

Chains of Lust [Tuesday, April 5th, 2005 @ 3:06am]
[ mood | calm ]

Title: Chains of Lust

Series: 1/1 for now

Author: yammerer_willow

Pairing: Spike/Willow

Rating: 18+ please

Setting: somewhere in sunnydale season 3ish

Summary: Spike claims Willow completely, she gives over to him.

Disclaimer: BDSM and consensual sex

Note: Thanks for all the help Stephy, Lindsay, and Nikki.

Feedback: Yes please… yammerer_willow@ljbuffyrpgs.com

18+ pleaseCollapse )

Cast a Spell

[Thursday, March 24th, 2005 @ 7:13pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

"W--Would you stay close...I..I don't want to hurt someone else." I said softly full of fear. "I want to try, I just don't want to be alone. I just don't want to almost kill someone else..thats all." Wesley reassured me as he carefully picked up Connor and led me to Connor's room where we would give him a bath.

I was litterally terrified, so much more than just almost hurting Connor, but that I have just made things worse by being here. I mean in one day I have maneged to piss off Cordy, punch her and give her a black eye, ruin anything that Buffy and Angel could have still had and upset the natural order...that and I did exactly what Angel asked me not to and that was leave the hotel. I would have to say this has been an eventful day..and not in the good way.

I looked at Wes, he had so much faith in me when I didn't even have any in myself, it was comforting and terrifying all at once. I didn't know how to be thankful for this, I didn't know how to just say thank you, because part of me still feared that rejection. I looked to Wesley and with a deep sigh I finally spoke.

"Giles won't help. He and I have been on the outs since I brought Buffy back."

[[open to Wesley and Lorne]]

Cast a Spell

carpe_tenebras Baby Steps [Sunday, March 20th, 2005 @ 2:43am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Ok so here is the deal, I get to LA being as everyone in Sunnydale made it clear they didn't want me there, and I find a ratty hotel to stay in, and I start looking for work. Thats how it started right? Well then this evil law firm approaches me says they want to give me a job, I am willing to take said job cause hell what do I have to lose with everyone thinking I am the worst thing since...well really bad things.

The nerdy lawyer takes me into the offices, have to admit they are nice and all, but still evil. We get into his office he hands me a stack of papers to read and I start looking them over. The jist of it is I had to basically agree to sign my soul over to them and for that I would get paid an obscene amount of money and a nice apartment with a view. Sounds almost worth it right? Well it isn't trust me, but that didn't matter because again I say, nothing to lose.

I am about to start signing this mass pile of papers when what do I hear, but the sound of fighting in the hall. I didn't know who it was nor did I care, I didn't expect anyone to come in here to save me when they didn't believe in me anymore. What shocked me was it was someone here to save me.

So not only did Angel rush in, save me, take me to his hotel, and give me a home again, but he also kissed me, then rushed off to talk to Buffy and 'set her straight'. So now that the update is over, where does that leave me? Well I am in t he hotel with people who don't really know me and one person who never really liked me. This should be fun right?

Well it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. A green guy who turns out to be an empathic demon brought me great chinese food and talked to me and has since talked me into going downstairs. I made it clear to him that if he leaves me alone back to my room I go and he agreed. Since he was willing to agree to that how could I not go downstairs.

I was happy to see that the lobby was clear, no one was here to reject me so this was going ok for now. Just wait till everyone gets back, then we will see how good it goes.

Cast a Spell

What have I done not_fadeaway [Monday, January 17th, 2005 @ 9:43pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I didn't want this to happen, but I would have to admit that I deserved this. I deserved what she did to me. I couldn't believe that she hit me that hard though. I couldn't even move my whole body was numb at the thought that I just hurt the one person who has stood by me from day one...

I sat there cupping my cheek where she slapped me and cried. I wanted to chase her I wanted to beg her forgiveness, but I better than anyone knew that wasn't wise. I didn't move...until I finally gained the strength to walk downstairs and look at the two my face now blackened.

"Spike, you have a broken table upstairs and Angel, Buffy just stormed out of the house. I would go after her, but I know that isn't the best of decisions right now."

I could feel my legs about to give, but I couldn't bring myself to move, to find a couch before they gave. I just stood there in shock and apalled at what I had done. I wasn't going to lie and say that I didn't enjoy it, and that I don't want it again, but this wasn't the way to find someone new. I...I just wanted this to be all right and no one having to stay away from anyone else.

Cast a Spell

not_fadeaway Darkness in me and trouble all around me [Sunday, December 5th, 2004 @ 4:16pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

"Willow, Finn was here with us and was thrown out a window 18 stories. He landed on top of a car. He is alive, but I don't know how long it's going to last."

The air left my body as I heard those words. How could this be happening? For that matter, when did Riley come back and where is Sam? Ok All I have to say is this...I have had my share of bad news this week; first Kennedy, then Fred and Cordy, then Buffy and Faith, and now Riley, Who was going to be next? OH and to top it off Spike was alive. He was a pile of dust the last time I checked...I couldn't believe this.

Buffy and Faith were in a hell dimension, we didn't know which though some woman, who could be a robot might know in files and records. She apparently knew everything. She knew who I was, what I had done, how many people I had murdered in cold blood, I did not like this one bit. I wasn't even sure that I could control myself.

When I was told that I had to do the spell in Sunnydale I worried then about the loss of control, but never once did I feel the darkness gnawing at me from within. This is different, more power even more loss of control. I needed this to all be a terrible terrible nightmare, a nightmare that I would wake up from in a cold sweat in my apartment.

This wasn't a nightmare though...well at least not one I could wake up from. The need to let loose and let the darkness back in was defiantly there and I longed to just say 'to hell with it' and let loose my hair and eyes all black, my skin white and veiny and the utter need to destroy anything in my path. I wanted to let that free. If I did I have a pretty good feeling that Buffy and Faith would be back quicker than you can say...well I don't know what, my brain...not exactly working on the higher levels that would be needed to come up with that pun.

Just as I was contemplating all of this Gwen broke in shattering the silence around me and pulling me from my reverie. "What? what is it?" She asked. I looked at her tears now streaming down my cheeks mouthed 'long story' and turned back to the phone.

"Angel, sorry..I--I need to take a moment, then Gwen and I will get right on that project. Hurry back ok....I am not sure I can do this alone"

With that I hung up the phone and turned to Gwen...

"Lets see if I can summarize this. Angel, Illyria, Buffy, Faith, and Riley all got their asses kicked by someone that works for this company, then Buffy and Faith were sent to another dimension. not sure which, Riley was thrown out a window that was 18 stories up, and I am now expected to find a way to get Buffy and Faith back and I am expected to do this without losing control of my powers. Yep I think that covers it..."

I then sat back on the bench attempting to just control my breathing at this point. I remember the days in the library at Sunnydale High...I was so naive and had no clue of what power lay with in me waiting to get out. How I longed for those days...the days when I could be chipper Willow who was excited anytime there was a need for all night research...well those days are long gone and I have a project that I now have to work on without the help of the brilliant book man. I guess I should get to work.. I am just thankful Gwen is here to help...

Cast a Spell

[Friday, September 24th, 2004 @ 11:33pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

To all Icon makers...I lost all my key words I need everyone to look at my user pictures on this account and tell me who made what icon please. Thank you

1 Spell | Cast a Spell

[Thursday, June 10th, 2004 @ 3:31am]
[ mood | crappy ]

also see avphibes' comic!

Click here to see!Collapse )
Cast a Spell

[Thursday, April 1st, 2004 @ 12:09pm]
I don't know what to do. Faith came by the other night in a rage and scared the bejesus out of me when she burst through the door i flipped out of my chair. i had managed to get a call to Wesley before she did that so he came rushing over. i tried to convince him that i was ok but he knew better he saw my tear streaked face he saw the pain and anguish i was feeling. Faith told me that she didn't love me that she just wanted to be friends and honestly i thought that was what i wanted. i was sure i wanted to be with Xander now. but if i were to stay with Xander it would ruin everything. it could truly damage a friendship that i cherish more then anything. however now i feel like he is all i have left.

Once Wesley calmed down and made some tea for me he sat down. i had said before that, that i had messed it all up once again so he asked "So, what is it you messed up?" he reassured me as well saying "And remember, I do understand the idea of 'making a mess of things'...I've done it often enough myself." so maybe i don't feel so bad but how do i tell him that even though i had a girlfriend who mind you hadn't bothered to call me in two months and who had been "having fun" (her words not mine) how do i tell him that i slept with my best friend and i don't regret it but i wonder if i shouldnt have. I love Xander I always will i don't think i can ever stop loving him but he isnt right for me.

I finally get up the nerve and i say it. "Wesley...I slept with Xander and when Faith decided i was worthy enough to talk to again i told her mostly in an excited angry utterance, but i told her no less and she went off the deep end. it was like she expected that for two months i was to be waiting by the phone pining away for her. but truth is I love her, i am just not sure i can deal with her issues anymore. she said she didnt love me for anything more then a friend so what am i supposed to do?" I stopped for a moment and then i said what was truly on my mind. " Wesley, I love Xander i always will but he isn't right for me. as much as i love him holding me and kissing me it just isnt right. God Wesley what do I do?"
3 Spells | Cast a Spell

[Thursday, February 19th, 2004 @ 2:41am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

How stupid could I be? ok wait let me backtrack some

I had been doing a lot of thinking mostly because i havent seen Faith in almost a month at first I was upset and confused and well to be honest sad, but I have recently come to the conclusion that if it is meant to be then it will be. I refuse to be the one who calls all the time and whines and spends her life pining away in my room waiting for her to come back I just REFUSE....

*sigh* and if that was my only problem then life would be good. however I being Willow Rosenberg seem to attract trouble and pain and well basically not thinking before i send people off to do things.

I talked to Wesley today and he told me that he knew about the Trials that i sent Angel off to endure for a secure soul so he can be with Cordelia and be happy and be less broody. He said in normal cases there is a price something they have to do to get what they want that it isn't free and that sometimes it is just enduring the trials but for Angel someone who already had a soul that just has rules tied to it there would be more then just the trials. when I found him in the street i should have known but i mean spike was all with the insane when he came back so you know maybe that was normal. Buffy and Spike took the unconcious Angel somewhere to be safe but i still worry. Wesley wants me to keep this to myself which is well bad I am horrible with secrets I act like I am high on coffee and its just all bad.

God i just need to quit helping.

I guess I should call Wesley and see if he has found anything out.

*gets phone and calls Wesley*

Cast a Spell

[Friday, January 30th, 2004 @ 11:15am]
[ mood | restless ]

Well after Oz and i spoke the other day he told me that he could help me and he would teach me what he learned in Tibet but it would require me to go to Tibet. At first I was like not a chance I was not leaving the country and who knew how long I would need to be gone and what would happen to me and so on then he told me that i wouldn't have to go by plane and i could be back in 2 days time i was confused on how that would be possible but i went with it anyway.

I told Faith that I was going and made sure she would be ok with it and she was amazing she helped me get ready and then she held me till he came i tried to chicken out i told her i wanted to stay and she was not about to let that happen. i cried so hard i knew if i waited too long i wouldnt be able to go at all so she got me ready helped me in my chair and i quickly wheeled out but not before i kissed her i cried so hard but i had to do this. I rushed out of the apartment if i didnt leave then i wouldnt have not left.

When i got out of the apartment he was waiting on me, noticing that i was crying he asked me if i was Ok I told him that we just needed to go now so he did as I wished and opened the portal and we were in tibet in a matter of moments. it was really quite wonderful when we arrived he wasted no time starting out with me. he asked me if was ready to start with a potion i was terrified shaking and all he assured me that he would be there the whole time caring for me he promised that i would be ok. He handed me a book opened to the potion I was to make I followed what the book said about half way through I started to feel myself lose control i looked to Oz he calmed me and told me he knew I could do it so I continued when I finished he poured it in a bowl handed it to me and told me to drink it. I looked at him like he was crazy i asked him what it was going to do to me he told me it would put me in a frame of mind that would make me ready to do what i had to do there. I said to him to promise me that this wasn't going to hurt me i told him that if he promised me that I would believe it and do as instructed. I know it hurt him that I didn't totaly trust him. I explained to him that I was drugged by a Dr who was not really a Dr for weeks and so he would just have to forgive me and he understood he told me that he would and could never hurt me so I drank it.

I started shaking and was terrified and He calmed me down told me I needed rest and that I could have the bed it was weird I couldnt imagine sleeping alone I havent done so since I left the hospital when I told him this I am sure he thought I was hitting on him however I was not i just wanted someone to hold me and be there to protect me he said he would stay and I told him he didnt need to be in the bed with me I just didn't want to be alone he held me anyway he took my hand in his and he was playing with my fingers which ironicaly calmed me down and I finally fell asleep.

I am kind of worried about everyone at home I don't want them to be mad at me for just leaving I just know that if I had waited to tell them I wouldn't have been able to go at all. It was hard enough telling Faith and then leaving I left her a note I just hope she found it. I also left a note for the group assuring them I was ok.

The Note to Everyone

Hey guys
I had to go with Oz to Tibet he is going to teach me some things to help me control my magic and myself. I am sorry I didn't tell you all bit I knew that if I did I wouldn't be able to go at all. It was hard enough telling Faith and then leaving her behind. I am in good hands, Oz will protect me. Please take care of Faith for me while I am gone, I love her and I know she is in good hands with you all. I will call if I can. I will only be gone for a max of 3 days no more. I love you all if anything happens please always remember that and be there for Faith if something happens thanks


Note to Faith


Before I leave I wanted to write you a note letting you know how much I love you. I can't imagine being so far away from you and not being able to kiss you and be in your arms. you are an amazing woman and I know you will do great and wonderful things, I hope I am there to witness them all. Incase something happens I wanted you to know that. Please take care of Buffy and the gang let them know I am ok and that I love them very much I know now I am doing the right thing thanks so much Babe I Love You more then anything


Cast a Spell

[Friday, January 23rd, 2004 @ 3:26am]
testing 123
Cast a Spell

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